So writing is something I have always loved doing. Only now I think it really is time to be serious about it. Through my mission to get right with myself, I believe it will be possible to reach other people. Picking up on the hind end of where I left off, and in an attempt to explain a little, I think that some back-filling of what has gone on is in order.
For the last 34 years I have had a problem. This actually manifested itself when I was about 8 years old. Trapped in a situation that I was powerless to get out of, I started to consider suicide as a way to get away from the whole thing. Thankfully I didn't do it then. However, I did tell a therapist, which lead to a lot of freaked out people. It also lead to my teenage years being filled with my parents dragging me through therapists offices and trials of medications that frankly were horrible to deal with.
At one point this also ended up leading to me going so far as to fill a baggie with pills (I believe this was 10th grade) and considering taking them at school. Again, I didn't. I tossed the baggie, and I didn't even go that far again.
When I was pregnant with my son my situation with the father was so bad that I would sit and look at a bridge on a walking path I would often go to when he was upsetting me (which was nearly every day) and I would consider climbing up and jumping. At the time I thought it might be a mercy to my child as well as myself, not to have to deal with the person that was the father. Believe me when I say it was pretty bad.
All of these situations did resolve. I got out of my mother's custody thanks to my father. I got better by increments in high school by talking to doctors, though I am sad to say my family never really did understand what I was dealing with, and that is alright. It is what it is, we can't have everything. Thank God, as well, that I did get out of the relationship I was in that was very abusive and toxic and I have managed to keep my son and myself safe from harm, fed, clothed, and happy for the most part these nearly 14 years.
We can now add to this the latest bout of trouble. I am realizing some things as a result of which.
On December 22nd, 2016, just over a month ago, I found myself calling the suicide prevention hot-line. A couple months before this I had called a prayer hot line as well, though I had made no mention really of wanting to just lay down and die.
The fact of the matter is mostly I simply prayed that God would take me home in my sleep. Me and my son as well. It was bad enough. To some extent I had also started to consider the things I might need to do in order to get my son on his own two feet and then just quietly fade away after he was able to take care of himself. Needless to say, this was not okay.
What I know is that I didn't want to feel this way any more. I didn't want to do these things really. One of the health professionals I spoke with told me that suicide is something that all human beings think about from time to time. The truth is that even if we consider it and reject it immediately out of hand, we do consider it and what it would solve and what it wouldn't solve. It is sadly a natural human inclination. She also stated that while it is common, it is not meant to be something we act on. Rather, this is an indication that something is wrong!
There was another friend who actually went so far as to state for me that it was indeed not my fault. For some reason this brought tears to my eyes and was such a relief to hear. The idea that this wasn't my fault, that things had been done to me, and that there may be something broken that I didn't realize or understand and needed help fixing, this just hadn't occurred to me for some reason. Indeed, I will go so far as to say that I have wondered what is wrong with me often when these bouts have occurred though my life. Whether there have been things that are my fault that have happened and brought this about, or the reality truly is that this isn't my fault, that its an imbalance, or that its a result of abuse I couldn't have stopped, or whether its because of foolish choices I have made, and treatment I have chosen to put up with that has contributed to the damage, the fact remains that I am here now, and some of it was not my fault, which other things I cannot now change. Which means there is only one direction to go: Forward.
December 23rd and 24th found me making a lot of phone calls. I ended up with appointments to two therapists. I also needed up with several resources. Phone lines I could call if I was having a particularly bad time and needed talking down. Now I have a therapist. This is a woman I think will do me a great deal of good, and will help guide me to healing.
These days and the weeks that have followed have also found me talking about this all very openly. Understand that prior to this I kept it all very much to myself. I was afraid of what it would mean if I told anyone how I truly felt. Discussing it with just that one doctor had resulted in a lot of people being scared. It has also resulted in my mother confronting me. My mother terrified me at that age, and when she confronted me I lied and told her what she wanted to hear. I didn't know that my father was going to get custody at that time, and I didn't want her wrath on me if he did loose. Additionally I had to live with her in the mean time and that was scary enough, let alone her being angry at me for wanting to kill myself.
As time passed, however, my reasons became more about the stigma and how my family seemed to mock and look down on people who had these issues. They also seemed to be insensitive to my emotions as I got older as well. Who knows why. I don't know that they meant anything by it. Now I look back and think they most likely just didn't have the tools to deal with their own emotions let alone mine. It became hard to handle. There is a whole other story there I won't get into. Suffice it to say I don't entirely blame them, I feel sorry that they are the way they are now. They are good people, and they deserve far better than what they have done to themselves.
All that being faced, and knowing that plenty of damage in plenty of ways has been done, this is what I am starting to realize:
For too many years I have placed more value on what other people have to say about me than I ought to. This is frankly something I couldn't help learning to do, but it is something I can make effort in changing now for the better. What is helping the most is that I have started to lay some ground work for myself to look at what GOD says my value is. For now, I will leave that alone, but it will be something I will further discuss later. Bottom line: God says I am so valuable that Jesus died so I could be with Him in heaven. That is kind of a big deal. Just saying.
Through learning what God says about it, I am coming to terms with some things. As those things are addressed and looked at, other things are coming up, that is very true. It is common and I am sure a couple other things will come up as time goes on, but it doesn't change that reality that what God says about me is far more valuable.
Another thing that is helping is to understand that how other people choose to treat me speaks to them and who they are, not who I am. What speaks to me and who I am is first, what kind of treatment I choose to accept from others, second how I choose to react to others, and third, how I choose to treat others, no matter how they treat me. I will be looking at this more than anything I think.
The fact is, we cannot control anything but ourselves. This is a very very hard thing for a lot of people to accept or understand. There are so many people out there who work really really hard at manipulating and forcing and arguing to get their way. Some times these things can make us successful. Though in most cases it actually results in us feeling like we don't deserve what we just fought so hard to obtain. Sadly, that would be our conscience telling us that we did something wrong to get something that won't last, and its right.
I read in a book recently, and I will go into this more later, when I have found the source and can site it, but the book said this: We give value to plants and pets without thinking much about it. Without that creature or item having done anything to deserve the value we place on it, we simply see the thing as valuable. In such a way we must also learn to see in ourselves the fact that we exist and therefore have value! I am not valuable because I can sing, or because I do things for another person, or because I bake a great cherry orange scone, or anything else. And so I should do such things because I know I have value, not because I believe that I will only be valuable for doing those things. For many people this is difficult for us to imagine. We have such a shallow society these days, and there is constant imagery and messages being whipped at us to tell us that we are only as valuable as what we offer. It's no wonder we suffer in this country so much...
Over the next few days I hope to spend a good amount of time focusing on this topic. I hope to be able to come back to this and publish further thoughts on this matter. Starting with what it means to be a princess of the Kingdom. For now, I need a nap! Blessings to you all.
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